Denial
by ShibbySpunkyChick
Summary: Sick of unrequieted love, Ginny leaves and Remus ponders.


AN: Here I present you with my third Ginny/Remus fic (fourth if you count the two parts of Without You as separate fics). I hope you enjoy it!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the amazing J.K. Rowling does! All I lay claim to is the plot.  
  
Denial  
  
Love is a fickle emotion, if you think about it. How often do you hear a happy ending- of a couple so in love that nothing can tear them apart. We tell our children such fairy tales, ingraining into their minds that love is the knight in shining armor, or the fair maiden. Never do we disclose to them what happens after that first initial wave of emotion. Never is the heartbreak discussed.  
  
I'm in love, did I tell you that? Totally and completely head over heels in love. When I was little and my mum told me fairy tales, I always thought my prince charming would come along. What the stories never told me was how hard it would be, how much loving him would hurt. Fairy tales never tell you that your soulmate isn't exactly the guy next door. He isn't for me. Oh no, my prince is 20 years older than I am, my ex- professor and a werewolf.  
  
Fairy tales never quite get around to telling you that the man of your dreams could be as stubborn as the day is long and reject you time and time again. My Remus- yes, his name is Remus, isn't it darling?- won't love me, he refuses to. He sits across the room from me and says that we are nothing, that I'm lusting after him and that I don't know what love is, all because I'm eighteen years old.  
  
But that is where he's wrong. I know what love is. It's my brother Ron and Hermione when they smile at each other even when they bicker. Love is my mum yelling at my dad whenever he tries out some Muggle invention, but then pecking him on the cheek and making sure he always eats a hot dinner. Love is Neville finding out that Luna thinks he's more than just a friend, and Bill smiling proudly as Fleur improves her English and figures out a particularly difficult curse. It surronds my family and protects them. It's the feeling that I get whenever all my brothers are in the same room and we're just spending time together.  
  
In my first year I confided in a diary that called itself Tom Riddle. I was a little girl and foolish and thought that Tom loved me. After all, he listened to my problems, gave a part of himself to me and I in return gave him half my soul. But that wasn't love. He was using me, using me to release his evil monster on Hogwarts. What I feel for Remus is everything that isn't what I felt for Tom. I know that no matter what happens, I can look at him and say that he would never hurt me, that he would rather die than do to me what Tom did.  
  
I can tell you the exact moment that I fell in love with him. It was the beginning of the summer, and the Order was gathered at Grimuald Place. Sirius has been gone for three years, and we were passing pictures around and laughing at stories of Sirius. I looked up and saw Remus sitting at the head of the table, giving Harry a picture of Sirius and James, quietly telling him when and why the photo was taken. His brown eyes held compassion, and he had a hand on Harry's shoulder. And I just knew at that very moment that I loved him.  
  
I love the way his hair is sprinkled with gray, and how he has faint lines around his eyes and mouth from smiling. I love his body language, and how whenever he's talking he assumes this presence around himself. I love each and every one of Remus' smiles. I love that although he's a werewolf and can barely find any work, he is still an optimistic person. There are a million other things that make me love Remus, but I could never possibly list them all because there's too many of them.  
  
But as I said earlier, love is fickle. I've confronted Remus with how I feel. I know that he loves me too. I see it in his eyes, how he looks at me whenever I enter the room. He always listens to me, and no matter how horrible things are going around us, Remus always has a smile ready for me and a story to tell. He makes me laugh, and I know he loves it when I do. He is amazed that I can shrug off his lycanthropy when he himself hasn't come to terms with it.  
  
When I told him, I kissed him also. A rash thing to do, but when you're in love you do crazy things. Remus kissed me back, kissed me deeply and wrapped his arms tight around me. His hands roved up and down my back and I swear that for five minutes I was in heaven. But then he pulled back, his eyes wide with shock. He turned away from me, told me that he didn't love me, and walked out of the room.  
  
I stood rooted to the spot, unable to believe that he had just kissed me with such passion and then turned around and said that he didn't love me. How could he not love me? I followed him out of the room and my path of shameless behavior became. Looking back, I count my lucky stars that only Harry, Hermione, Tonks and Ron were home when this happened, because if my mother had been she would've been mortified.  
  
I followed him out of the room, down the stairs and into the living room. I yelled and the other four came rushing into the room, probably thinking I'd hurt myself. What they got was my screaming at Remus and mad exit. "I love you Remus J. Lupin!" I had yelled at him. "I don't care if you think that this is nothing, because I know better. You don't think that I can't tell the difference between lust and love?"  
  
He stood there, and said with his eyes down, "Ginny, not here."  
  
"Yes here and right now! Tom Riddle possessed me for a year! He was lust, because he didn't give a damn about me or how I felt. All he cared about was furthering his own ends. This," I reached for him. "This is love. I can look at you, and know that you actually care what I feel, what I want and need. If you can't see that this is special, then I'm not the fool here."  
  
"I'm too old for you." My love had said bracingly. "I'm old enough to be your father. Someday you will understand why I can't do this- why we can't do this." Remus had looked at me then, his eyes silently pleading with me. I couldn't believe what he said, and the words flew out of my mouth.  
  
"If you can't accept this, then there's only one thing left to do." I told him, and walked up to him and pulled him down into another kiss. I ended it quickly, stared up at him for a few moments and drank in his face, memorizing every feature. Then I walked out the door.  
  
Tonks is standing outside my hotel room with Hermione right now, trying to knock down the door and convince me to go back to the Order's headquarters. But I know I can't go back. It may have been two months since that fateful day, but it's never going to work out there. I have left that part of my life behind, because I can't sit in the same house as my beloved, knowing that he loves me and refuses to act on it. And we Weasleys are a stubborn lot, so I doubt that Tonks and Hermione will convince me to go back.  
  
I haven't abandoned the Order though. I justify the fact that I refuse to go back to that house with my occupation at the moment. Dumbledore offered me the job of being a free agent of the Order. I go on missions, do all the regular duties of an Order member, but I'm not required to go to meetings. Snape is my handler- he gives me assignments and I report back to him. He in return gives my work to the Order. My parents aren't happy, but they've come to terms with my decision.  
  
Snape isn't that bad to work for. I think he understands why I have to stay away from Remus, from the headquarters. He might be a nasty git sometimes, but he's invaluable and has saved my neck more than once. I'd even go far to say he cares for me- or as much as a Slytherin can care for a Gryffindor. Snape's work is always impeccable, and I'm trying to follow in his steps. It's the least I can do.  
  
Tonks has been wonderful with the whole situation lately- she had done a few missions with me- but now she's just damn annoying. Hermione, although my brother loves her, is nothing short of a nuisance right now. They've broken into my room and are in the process of trying to force me back to the house. It seems to have become their personal mission to force me back into 12 Grimuald Place against my own will.  
  
They are saying that Remus is becoming withdrawn and won't talk to anybody. Apparently my leaving has stirred up a lot of trouble. He won't speak my name, but his eyes are said to be haunted. Tonks has even gone so far as to say that when I ran out of the house, he sat on the couch, got up and yanked open the door as to follow me, only to slam it closed and sit back down. The actions are said to have been repeated several times. Hermione's eyes are bright now, trying desperately to get me to go back.  
  
Well, if they think I'm leaving this room, they're sadly mistaken. I may love Remus with every fiber of my being, but I'm not a fool. He will never accept me or my love. If there's one thing my Remus is, it is honorable. He will never allow a relationship between us because it conflicts with his morals.  
  
Tonks and Hermione have just left in a huff, and now I'm sitting by the door, watching them walk away. Left alone with my thoughts and my grief for what might have been. But if there's one thing I've learned from my dealings with Tom, it is that regret never solves a thing.  
  
*~*~*  
  
I am a forty-four year old werewolf and I'm in love with an eighteen year old slip of a girl. Her red hair is intoxicating, and her big brown eyes hypnotizing. Loving her should be wrong, but then why does it feel so damn good?  
  
She's told me that she loves me and I did the most idiotic thing in the world: I let her walk out of my life. Ginny offered me everything I've ever wanted and I turned her away. And the sad thing is that I was so close to giving into temptation.  
  
She tasted so good when she had kissed me for the first time. I couldn't stop myself from kissing back, from wrapping my arms around her tiny waist. What had stopped me cold and scared me to death was that it felt so right. Holding her close to me felt like the most natural thing in the world, and it scared me because of how young she is.  
  
When she left, she called me a fool and she was right. I am one of the greatest, biggest fools that you will ever meet in your life. All because I was too afraid to take a chance with her. My greatest fear is to dishonor her and leave her broken if things go wrong. And so many things could go wrong.  
  
When she left, I had no idea where she was going and I was frantic. Dumbledore couldn't even find her. For an agonizing week I paced Sirius' house- this place I can never consider my own- berating myself for letting her go. When she was found a week later the greatest relief I had ever felt washed over me.  
  
Now I'm faced with the dilemma of what to do. She's still working for the Order, but she refuses to come back to the house and I don't blame her. Tonks and Hermione, even Ron and Harry have all been dropping little hints of how to get to her room to bring her back. They all seem to know that I love her, but they don't care. All they seem to want is for her to come back and I have to admit, so do I.  
  
The house is colder without her warm presence flitting through the rooms. I never realized how drab this place is until she took her bright personality away with her. Her smiles could light up the darkest of rooms, and no matter what happens around her, her laugh and voice are like music. I can't live without her, but I don't know how to get her back. I've hurt her so badly, how can I ever get her back?  
  
*~*~*  
  
Ginny was writing out a report to hand into Snape when she heard a knock at the door. Frowning slightly, she called out, "Come on in Tonks and Hermione, don't unhinge the door this time!"  
  
She heard the door open and close quietly and she said without looking behind her, "Hold on a sec, I have to finish the last bit of this before you start ranting at me about going back to the house."  
  
"Well, I was hoping that what I'm about to do would be considered more like humble groveling rather than ranting." A deep voice said. Ginny froze and turned around slowly and stood up. Remus stood a few feet away from her, a bouquet of flowers in his hands.  
  
He noticed her staring at the flowers and said, "Well I don't know about nowadays, but when I was younger when a man went to beg forgivness from his love he brought flowers to offer her."  
  
Ginny said shakily, "You're- you're doing what?"  
  
"Begging for your forgivness." He answered, crossing the room and kneeling before her, taking her hand. "Gin, I'm so sorry. I was an ass and treated you horribly. I was..I was just so afraid of what could happen to you that I tried to push you away. And I know now that it was the wrong thing to do."  
  
"Why are you doing this?" she began but he raised a hand to silence her.  
  
"I love you Virginia Anne Weasley." Remus said softly. "I love your hair, your smile, your eyes. I love it when you laugh and how your cheeks flush when you get angry. I love how you stubborn you are and I can't believe that I was willing to let you go. All I'm asking is for you to please to come back home with me, because without you that house is so dark and cold. I need you."  
  
"You love me?" she whispered. At his nod, she laughed out slightly, tears streaming down her face. "I love you too."  
  
"Will you come home with me?" he asked.  
  
She nodded and smiled widely as he grabbed her waist and pulled her into a long kiss. "I swear that I'll never let you go ever again." Remus promised as their kiss ended.  
  
"I'll hold you to that promise." Ginny replied, grinning up at him.  
  
AN: What do you think? 


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